- My boss told me to have a good day…so I went home.
- Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
- Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
- A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
- Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!
- A man brought his elderly father on visit to Lagos from the village for the first time. After dinner, the son asked the father:
Son: "Father, should I bring you Coca-Cola?"
Father: "You can bring the Kola now, but as for the Coca, you can keep it till later".
- As long as there are tests, the will be prayers in schools.
- Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- When tempted to fight fire for fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.
- It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”
- “Did God make you, Papa?”
“Yep! He certainly did.”
“And did He make me too?”
“Of course, He did.”
“Well, He’s certainly doing better as He goes along, isn’t He?”
- Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said Thank you.
“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you.'"
“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”
- “Papa, what are ancestors?"
“Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.” Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?
- “I dreamed last night that I had invented a new type of breakfast food and was sampling it when–”
"Yes, yes; go on."
"I woke up and found a corner of the mattress gone!”
- Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
- An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
- “An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
"Sure", a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
- They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but lawyers can find you anywhere.