Issue #25   •   Quarter 3/4 Edition   •   December 2018

 

Jokes

  • Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching. laughing head
  • I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi."
  • One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.” The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents happened outside of the company.” "
  • A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”…. The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finished”.
  • A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
  • Post Master in a post office told to a woman,” You have to put another stamp on this letter as it is too heavy… The woman replied, “How would an extra stamp make it lighter.”
  • A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”… The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
  • A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
  • “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.” Nine hands went up…“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man… “Feeling too much lazy”, came the reply.
  • It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know,' she said. 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
  • If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.
  • Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are
  • Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
  • I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
  • What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
  • Women go on a diet on three occasions: - When they break up with a guy; - When they meet a new guy; and - On Mondays.
  • An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
  • "Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
  • What do you call a woman who always knows for sure where her husband is? A widow.
  • Why does it suck to be a penguin?
  • Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
  • Birthday Short Jokes
    1. Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?
      A:"Forget it once!"
    2. Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common
      A:"They were all born on holidays."
    3. Q: What goes up and never comes down?
      A:"Your age!"
    4. Q: What did one candle say to the other?
      A:"Don't birthdays burn you up?"
    5. Q: What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
      A:"Get married on his birthday."
    6. Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?
      A:"One who remembers your birthday but not your age!"
    7. Q: What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
      A:"You can have your cake and eat it too. "

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